(All images from Tumblr)
This post is going to the most personal thing my blog is going to face. I feel gutsy posting it but I like to share things about my life on my blog. After all it's my place to post the most jibble jabble as I desire.
Paranoia and anxiety has always been in my life. I've always been a "shy" person but I did get confident and talkative for a short period of time as I got into my teenage years. It all started when I was in Year 5 when a few of my friends moved away (quite a far distance) and I was left pretty much friendless. I did make a new friend which is very lovely. But, I have a feelings that no-one liked me. This progressed into secondary school. In Years 7-9 I was pretty much over my paranoia stage. That is until I started feeling like people were talking about me behind my back. In my head I felt like I was being judged and teased for what I ate. So, I started eating away from people because I thought I was disgusting and was literally felt sick looking at myself. My head thought people were bullying me. I'm not saying people weren't but it really wasn't to the extent I believed. Of course people were nasty to me but we won't live in a world where everyone loves us and wants to befriend us.
As I got older the paranoia kind of took control of my life. I became obsessed with the idea people were out to get me. I felt like someone was going to hurt me so I didn't feel safe at school. Even going to the supermarket really feels like it is out of my comfort zone. I have the idea someone is going to endanger me in public and I won't be able to protect myself.
Recently, my scarf got stolen at school which is a rare occurrence at my school as I can say my school has quite a good reputation. I was pretty shaken up. But who wouldn't be? It was the second time this academic year something was stolen from myself and family. So, I felt like someone was targeting me. Today, my bag was open when I went to collect my belongings after my English mock exam. I felt like it was becoming a pandemic evolved around me. I went into proper panic mode and checked my bag 753454 times before understanding that no one had been in there and I hadn't shut my bag properly.
People tell me I'm paranoid, my friends tell me I'm paranoid. But do they realise how I feel when they make it sound like I'm not normal?